dear "avoidant" friend, this one's for us.

pov: you're the worst texter in your friend group.

this post is for my detached, distant, & lowkey avoidant girlies. for my fellow sh*tty texters, this one’s for us…

CHAPTER 1 | bad texters, stand up

i watched this tiktok last year where the creator was recounting a convo with her therapist about how isolating and frustrating it feels to have so many “bad texters” as friends.

she even subtweeted a specific friend in the caption of that video, expressing that she wished she could tell her how mad she was at her, but that her friend probably wouldn’t even read the text.

i regrettably decided to skim the comments section, and a wave of shame washed over me: wow, they’re all agreeing with her.

i am the exact type of friend she was talking about in that post. the friend who takes days to respond to a text. the friend who you probably shouldn’t call if you need immediate advice (and who you *definitely* shouldn’t call in an emergency).

CHAPTER 2 | the psychology of “a bad friend”

as i record this, my drawers are in serious need of reorganizing. and while each drawer would likely only take me 5 minutes to do, i’ve convinced myself that i shouldn’t start until i can go through every item i own, piece by piece, marie kondo style.

and who knows when i’ll decide that i have enough time to do all of that…

but here’s the thing: after years and years of perfectionism-inspired procrastination, i’ve learned how to make things look put together on the outside, regardless of what’s lurking within.

the truth is, i am my closet. and if you find yourself procrastinating on returning texts or calls, chances are you might be too.

what many of our friends see as a 10-second text back can often feel like an existential crisis for us. and even with those people in our lives who require 0 emotional gymnastics from us, we often feel we lack the capacity to show up for our friends when we aren’t even showing up for ourselves. hence, figurative and literal overflow.

i want you to know that i’m not writing this so we can feel sorry for ourselves. that would imply that we don’t have any power in this situation, and we absolutely do.

i’m writing this so we can better understand ourselves and why we do and don’t show up the way we do. that way, we can resolve all the shame, guilt and helplessness that is ultimately just making us feel sorry for ourselves lol.

the reality about friendships (and all relationships) is this: “nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (yes, that’s a hamlet quote lol).

the other day, we were at a coffee shop and ahmad asked the barista if the crookies (croissant x cookie) were good. the barista responded with the realest response ever: “good and bad. good in that: they taste amazing. and bad in that: you definitely shouldn’t have one every day.”

friendship is similarly subjective.

take me for example, if you mainly value availability and consistency of communication, then by those values, i’m a terrible friend. but if you mainly value independent thought, and someone to keep it real with you regardless, then i’m the best friend you’ll likely ever find.

when i finally realized that what i have to offer as a friend is extremely valuable, that i just needed to deliberately attract people who wanted what i have to offer, i stopped apologizing for what is ultimately just a misalignment in values.

so my hope is that, in reading this, you’ll see that you’re not a “bad” friend. you’re likely just friends with some people who don’t value what you have to offer.

and each of you is responsible for that incompatibility.

btw, if you want a more in-depth take on why we have these “avoidant” tendencies, why we tend to attract more anxiously attached friends (and what to do about it), check out my most recent youtube vid. ↓

CHAPTER 3 | 7 rules for healthy friendships

1. resentment is an illusion that you’re powerless. if you decide to bend over backwards for someone, you can’t get mad at them when you get scoliosis. the reality is that you’re always making a choice. realizing that will help you resist the urge to blame other people, when you’re really just needing to better advocate for yourself. resentment is nothing but a map. it shows us where we need to better support ourselves. instead of blaming others for your resentment (or worse, judging yourself for feeling resentment), simply ask yourself: what needs to change? how can i better show up for myself, so i don’t project these feelings onto others?

2. bad b*tches need boundaries too. a person’s desire for friends who text back quickly is not more worthy of empathy than someone’s desire to respond when they’re ready. someone’s desire to hangout with friends every weekend is not more worthy of compassion than a person’s desire to spend most weekends in their solitude. people have preferences, and that’s 1000% okay. we are all allowed to draw whatever boundaries we like (seriously), BUT, people are also free to decide that your boundaries are too restrictive, and that they want to take their friendship elsewhere as a result. again, we are always making a choice.

3. nobody is entitled to anything. i saw another tiktok the other day where the creator talked about how much she hates the take that “nobody owes you sh*t. but as harsh as it is, it’s true. i’m not saying you should intentionally befriend people who believe they don’t owe you sh*t. i’m just stating the obvious fact that friendship is not a signed contract where we agree to certain terms and conditions. i think people hear this phrase and think it breeds people who are self centered, and individualistic. but anyone who’s ever actually internalized this lack of entitlement will tell you that it just makes us extremely grateful and unassuming. because i truly don’t believe this life owes me anything, i end up eternally grateful for the abundance of quality experiences and relationships that i get to have. because i don’t take them for granted. which brings me to…

4. true reciprocity has no strings attached. i remember a college friend opening the door for a girl, and then freaking tf out for the rest of the day because she didn’t thank him. (you can imagine how annoyed he was when i reminded him that she didn’t ask him to open the door lol.) my point is this: it’s 100% okay to desire relationships that are as reciprocal as possible (even though expecting 50/50 is really just setting yourself up for disappointment). but reciprocity can really start to feel transactional and even manipulative when we’re not careful. to combat this (and the feelings of resentment that will likely come when you feel you’re “giving too much”), it’s important to *not* give things that you don’t feel ready to give (time, advice, gifts, money, etc.). and even in those moments when you *are* ready to give, try your best not to have such a prescribed, rigid expectation of what reciprocity needs to look like. be open to the people in your life surprising you with how they choose to reciprocate. do things because you want to, not because you want what you think you’ll receive in return. and of course, don’t do things when it stops feeling safe to do so.

5. take responsibility for your failed friendships. the same way you’re responsible for attracting the same toxic man-child in different bodies, you’re also responsible for the kinds of friends you’ve been attracting. all relationships are about compatibility, and you are just as responsible for your “failed” friendships as they are. and since we can’t control anyone but ourselves, let’s resist the urge to shame and blame, and instead turn inwards. this one hit me hard (and i’m not sure i’ve fully processed it yet), but i was attracting people over and over who wanted more from me than i was willing to give. after reflecting more on this, i realized that i attracted a lot of friends who put me on a pedestal. i had to take responsibility for the part of me that craved that. but there were obviously consequences to that too, (hence, this entire post).

6. change, and change often. I had an ex who literally took pride in the fact that he never changed. he once said that his biggest fear is waking up and realizing that he doesn’t recognize the person sleeping next to him. it’s pretty funny writing this out, because we clearly were so incompatible for that reason (among many others lol). in fact, i am personally obsessed with people who have lived several lifetimes in one body. who have the courage to choose differently, to disagree with past versions of themselves, and to still go out into the world in search for love and companionship, knowing good and well that many people will judge or resent them for changing. those are my people. it feels like true, unassuming, un-entitled love and compatibility. 

7. forever is so dramatic and highly unlikely. this one may be the harshest of them all…to me, there is nothing inherently romantic or sentimental about a forced “forever.” what is super sentimental to me though, is the idea that two people can evolve into multiple versions of themselves, and still continue to choose each other. to me, alignment is so much more important than “time invested.” obviously, in the relationships where i can have both (like in one of my childhood best friends), i value it even more. but i don’t believe in staying in a [misaligned] friendship simply because of the time we spent investing in it.

in reflecting on what i want to offer as a friend, and in becoming more intentional about what kind of bonds i’m looking for, i’ve been able to attract so many aligned connections over the past several weeks. the best part is that i’ve finally resolved so much of the guilt, shame and self judgment that came from having such incompatible bonds in the past.

i hope that these hit for you the way they’ve been hitting for me, and as always, would love to hear your thoughts on these in the comments below.