i am absolutely obsessed with changing my life.
and this is why i'll never apologize for it.
this weekend, i created a color-coded spreadsheet to track my weekly steps and calorie averages. it’s safe to say that i’m done playing games about my life.
but it wasn’t always like this.
two years ago, i would have scoffed at the thought of getting freaky in the google sheets: that’s no way to live! who wants to count every single thing they’re eating?
or perhaps the loudest judgment of them all: this is way too obsessive. counting calories is seriously so unhealthy.
but here’s what else i wasn’t counting:
the number of photos i avoided taking with my loved ones because i knew i would hate how i looked in them. the amount of family vacations i secretly dreaded because i didn’t feel good in any of my outfits. the number of diets, workout plans, online programs i failed, reinforcing my lifelong belief that my body was defective.
the truth is that i have always been obsessed, no matter how much i tried not to be.
every single year over the past 16 years, i’ve promised myself that i’d finally fit into a size 6 pair of jeans. breaking that promise over and over again has only made me more obsessed with conquering it for good.
if you want to hear some deep af, never before told stories about my 16-year body image struggle, watch this video:
now, while i admire the women who feel good at any size, body positivity just didn’t work for me. it felt like i was trying to force-feed mantras that contradicted how i was truly feeling about myself. for someone as painfully self aware as i am, there simple are no direct flights from body disdain to body delusion.
so i took an entirely different approach.
instead of trying to '“un-obsess” myself, i allowed myself to become obsessed with something else: instead of obsessing over hating my body, i obsessed over changing it for good.
spoiler alert: it worked.
what i’ve learned while locking tf in:
here i am, 30 lbs and 2 jeans sizes down, feeling better in my body than ever before. now that i’m in the final stretch (literally, i am weeks away from buckling my size 6 jeans), this is what i want you to know about locking in:
“healthy” is not a one size fits all thing.
what’s insanely triggering and unhealthy for one person may be incredibly healing for another. only you can decide what’s healthy for you. for example, many people may demonize tracking, but tracking is what set me free from body dysmorphia. tracking made it impossible for me to lie to myself about my results (or lack thereof), thus freeing me from my decades-long belief that my body was defective. today, my self image is at its all-time healthiest, because taking radical responsibility over my results has suffocated every toxic story i’ve told myself over the last two decades.
changing your life requires a season of obsession.
to change your life, you need to become someone completely different than the version of you who created said life. becoming someone completely different requires an obsessive level of awareness about your thoughts. becoming acutely aware of your thoughts requires that you are relentlessly disrupting your old programming, picking apart every thought and questioning whether it’s aligned with where you’re trying to go. i will never demonize obsession again, because i understand that to be passive about changing your life means you’re obsessively attached to sameness.
taking radical responsibility over your life will trigger tf out of people.
the people who feel truly aligned with their life goals will never judge yours. it’s the people who feel like they’re wasting their own lives who will literally be offended by your come up. i can’t for the life of me understand the culture of shame around people wanting to be great. why should someone have to explain or apologize for wanting to maximize their life? the best thing i did on this journey was avoid at all costs the people who would judge me for wanting better for myself.
on that note, i absolutely loved this post:
if you’re still reading this, i can confidently say there’s a voice in your head asking you to become obsessed with changing your life. or maybe you already are obsessed, but you feel ashamed that you want to maximize this beautiful, precious life we’ve been gifted. i’m here to tell you to unapologetically lean into that obsession, even and especially if it makes those around you feel basic.
and lastly, i hope you understand that this post isn’t about weight-loss. it’s certainly not a MyFitnessPal ad (i personally use CalAi lol). this is simply a declaration in defense of personal responsibility, agency and dreaming big.
and when in doubt, remember this: the people who critique you today will be the ones watching your “how to” videos tomorrow.
ready to go even deeper? here are a few options:
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